Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I Can't Wait To Become A Fat Bald Guy That Wears Hawaiian Shirts

I shaved my head today. It was awesome. I had been growing my hair out since September and actually wasted valuable time and money going to a barber to have it trimmed since then. But fuck that. Those days are done. For now I’m content to look Bruce Willis-esque.

Chillingly similar.  

For those of you who know me personally than you know that I am balding. This condition is also known as thinning hair, receding hairline, or androgenic alopecia (male pattern baldness).  As a man I was forced to make a decision: how to wear my baldness. The shaved-head look works well for me mostly because I was blessed with a good shaped head.

Make no mistake; though I’ve chosen to shave my head, I am still a proud member of the bald community.  As Larry David has put it there is a difference between bald guys and men who shave their head. 
 “You have chosen to shave your hair – that is a look you are cultivating to be fashionable and we don’t really consider you part of the bald community.”

Now I’m left with another great burden: what kind of bald guy will I be? Given the options I can only choose to become an awesome fat bald guy who wears Hawaiian shirts. 

Fat bald guys who wear Hawaiian shirts are the best type of bald guys. All they do is sit around all day being fat (eating), being bald (hating their life), and wearing Hawaiian shirts (being fucking lazy). 
I can't fucking wait.

Being a fat bald guy who wears Hawaiian shirts is so much better than being one of these types of bald guys…

Skinny Bald Guys – Cyclists and Child Molesters
A wise man once said, “Cars hate pedestrians. Pedestrians hate cars. Everyone hates cyclists.” 

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against bicycles, or people who like to ride bikes. In fact Pee-Wee Herman’s bike is probably the coolest thing since tits. 
Strangely awesome.
But every time I’m driving and a cyclist is in front of me I have a sudden urge to side swipe them and scream “HEY ASSHOLE GET OUT OF THE ROAD AND ONTO THE SIDEWALK”. Then I think about being in Amsterdam and how annoying it was that cyclists took up EVERY inch of the sidewalk there. So in essence the only place fit for cyclists is Hell… with the people that they look like (child molesters).

Fit Bald Guys – Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel is a douche bag. That’s all really. Nothing else to say.

Regular-Sized Bald Guys – Mythbusters and Stay-at-home Dads

Super cool people, really
Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Mythbuster or a stay-at-home Dad, but I couldn’t bring myself to be either. First off, I don’t do well with physics, algebra, simple math, or even counting, so being a Mythbuster would be tough. Although that chick on the show is hot.
I better get some nerd bonus points for posting this.
Being a Stay-at-home Dad takes responsibility. Being able to spend quality time with your child is something that is sorely missed in this generation. It’s actually quite a manly job when you think about it. You gotta do what’s necessary to make sure your family is stable. I’m really not sure where I’m going with this one. All I know is it’s something I don’t want to be.

Those are really the only options I have. Now all I gotta do is gain weight, lose hair, and buy Hawaiian shirts. It’s going to be amazing.


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