Sunday, December 22, 2013

The REAL Best Christmas Movie of All Time

Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York are often cited by people as their favorite Christmas movies. I hate these movies because they're about a privileged little sociopath who causes his family an eternity of grief because he won't eat anything besides cheese pizza.

I hate the whole McAllister family actually. Just look at them:

From left to right: Curley Sue, Susan Boyle, Older Pete from Pete & Pete, Cousin It, Biff from Back to the Future (right?), Some Bald Pedophile looking dude, and a bunch of other pale mutants and Macauley Culkin... disgusting.

A bunch of upper middle class brats the McAllister family was. I hope they lost all their fortunes in the recession and are forced to live on the REAL streets of New York and South Side Chicago where they're forced to join gangs and kill each other to survive. That'd be a great movie.

Anyway... The real best Christmas movie is so clearly: Jingle All the Way
"A holiday classic for the whole family to enjoy!" - Brian Lupo
Here are at least three things that Jingle All the Way has that the Home Alone movies don't have:

1) Arnold Schwarzenegger
2) Sinbad
3) Chris Parnell (small cameo as a toy store employee)

The film stars Arnold as Howard Langston, a loving, hard-working father who searches far and wide to get his son Jamie a Turboman action figure for Christmas. This film was made pre-internet, so the likelihood of Howard being able to order the toy online wasn't as feasible. As the holiday season winds down, Howard has got to get a Turboman for Jamie - but they can't seem to be found anywhere.

While scouring the Minneapolis-St. Paul metropolitan area for a Turboman doll, Howard comes in contact with the nefarious mailman Myron Larabee, played by the dynamic character actor...  Sinbad.

It's a true injustice that Sinbad was not recognized by the Academy for his groundbreaking performance.


Crazy antics ensue and Howard must seize the day by becoming Turboman at the Christmas parade and stop Myron from stealing the last available Turboman doll for Jamie.

Now let me ask you: Which movie would you rather see?

A Christmas movie about a pale little brat who terrorizes adults and doesn't think to call the airline that his parents are flying on to let them know he's safe?

or...

A Christmas movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger who goes to any odd to get his child the toy he deserves for Christmas.

Think about it. If you hate Macauley Culkin's pale shit eating face as much as I do, I know you'll make the right decision this holiday season.


Sunday, December 15, 2013

5 Best/Worst People of 2013

As 2013 wraps up I decided to do something a little bit different than last year. Sure, there's plenty of shitty people who deserve to be on the "Worst of 2013" list. George Zimmerman, Bashar al-Assad, and Ted Cruz come to mind. But I wanted to talk about some polarizing figures who were the best in some aspects, but also the worst in others. People, who for better and for worse, shaped the outcome of what the year has been.


5.) David Ortiz

The Good: David Ortiz continued to be the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox this year by posting a heroic .688 (Six eighty eight!!!) batting average in the World Series, leading the Sox to another title, and winning the World Series MVP. During the regular season he was no slouch either, putting up a .309 average with 30 home runs and 103 RBIs. With over a decade in Boston blasting home runs and being a part of three World Series teams, it could be Ortiz who finally stripped the Red Sox of their lamented curse of missing the World Series title for 86 years.

The Bad: Ortiz did steroids just like every body else. Sure he may not have been taking them this year, but when he got caught in 2009 for failing a drug test in 2003 he kind of didn't own up to it at all. Now, I don't really care anymore that he was taking steroids, it's pretty clear every Major League all-star was on them at one point or another in the last few decades. But it sets a bad example when MLB has a vendetta against Alex Rodriguez for steroid use, the same season they give Ortiz a World Series MVP. Let's try to be a bit more objective next World Series...

4.) Jennifer Lawrence

The Good: Well where to begin. Everybody really loves Jennifer Lawrence, including myself. Beautiful, charming, funny, down-to-earth, talented, young, sprightly, etc. I can run the gamut of adjectives to describe how awesome she is. On top of that she's already won an Oscar, been nominated for two, and will probably be nominated for another for her upcoming appearance in "American Hustle"; and she's only 23. Wow.

The Bad: This isn't really any fault of her own but if you search Reddit, Twitter, Tumblr - she's pretty much the only thing anybody is talking about. She's a classic already: Men want her, and women want to be her. But in this day in age, that may not be a good thing. Because she's so down-to-earth, shes' giving a ton of false hope to aspiring actors/actresses, and dudes who think they actually have a shot with her (if you're a dude, and you think you have a shot at dating Jennifer Lawrence - you need psychiatric help immediately). All will be forgiven if Lawrence puts on a press conference and flat out says, "Girls - you'll never be like me. Guys - don't bother, it's not going to happen."

3.) President Obama
"Mehhhhh" - President Obama
The Good: Despite what pundits and Fox News alarmists have been saying - millions of more Americans will have health insurance under Obamacare. So unless you have a fervent hatred for people with low incomes, this is of course a good thing for America. On top of that Obama has stood firm on the belief that the United States needs to assist the middle class before corporate interests.

The Bad: The NSA, civilian casualties in drone strikes, the almost war with Syria. On one hand Obama is working to make social justice more accessible in America, while at the same time diminishing the rights human rights of those abroad. It's sad and disappointing that someone who campaigned on "hope" is destroying the hope of so many international citizens.

2.) Kanye West
Ah.. yeah I don't know either.
The Good: Yeezus turned out to be a fantastic album. Critics loved it, and it even received a rave review from the recently deceased Lou Reed. So here's the thing: If you didn't like Yeezus, you don't know shit. Universally praised by critics and Lou Reed, the person who influenced every album you ever bought, I'd say Yeezus puts Kanye up there with some of the greatest MCs and producers in hip-hop history.

The Bad: My biggest problem with Kanye isn't the Kimye nonense or skirt wearing or generally douche-baggery. My biggest issue is Kanye's insistence that he is a "genius." Look - I love Kanye West's music. College Dropout was the first hip-hop album that I listened to religiously. I always give Kanye the benefit of the doubt when people jump on to attack him. But it's real hard to defend arrogance.

For example, I think Matt Stone and Trey Parker (two dudes who love to dig at Kanye) are actual creative geniuses. From South Park to Team America to Book of Mormon - all their work reflects comedic brilliance. However, if they came out and said "WE ARE CREATIVE GENIUSES" - I'd be so turned off that it'd be hard for me to follow their work. And this is the case with Kanye. I love his music, but it's hard for me to be a big fan because of how much he talks himself up. True, he may be a creative musical genius. He just needs to shut the fuck about about - because nobody wants to hear it.

1.) Pope Francis

 
The Good: The newly elected Pope Francis has won Time's Person of the Year  for his commitment to the true tenets of Christianity: helping those in need, tolerance, and peace. He's gone as far as showing compassion for the LGBT community, assuring that there's a place in heaven for non-believers, and finally, and most importantly condemning trickle-down economics as hopeless for the non-wealthy. What a badass!
 
The Bad: Despite his best efforts at being Christ-like Pope Francis is still head of one of the most evil entity's of all time - The Catholic Church. While he has been supportive of practical solutions to combat sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, he still hasn't done enough.

While I support this Pope and am pleased with what he's done so far, he still needs to make up for centuries of abuse, neglect, corruption, oppression, etc.

Essentially, he won't be able to do that, but I'd like to see him try harder. Basically he'll have my stamp of approval when every living Catholic Priest child molester is rotting in jail for the rest of their sorry lives. You can start now, Pope. Good luck!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Jay-Z Is An Asshole

Earlier this week I posted a link to Facebook from the Huffington Post. The article was entitled "16 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Vegan" (however, when you get to the article it is re-titled "15 Vegan Celebrities Who've Given Up Animal Products For a Healthier Lifestyle" because the Huffington Post doesn't care about numbers or consistency).

Thank you Huffington Post. As if I didn't feel bad enough about my existence in the first place, I appreciate the reminder that celebrities have sacrificed much more than I have by not eating meat. One day I aspire to be just like Russel Brand.

Asshat.
I posted the link to my Facebook and said, "Someone needs to change this headline to '16 Smug Millionaires Whose Private Chef's Prepare Them Vegan Meals'"

I thought it was funny because all the people listed in the article are multi-millionaires and easily have access to some of the top vegan chef's in the world. So for these pompous, rich celebrities veganism isn't so much of a sacrifice as it is a curious experiment into a different diet that will help them keep weight off.

Most vegans and vegetarians would agree that most of these celebrities, save for a few, don't really give a shit about animal rights or environmental protection and are instead becoming vegan for health reasons or to make themselves look altruistic when really they could care less.

So you can imagine my pleasure/displeasure when it was announced Jay-Z is going vegan.

Yes, Jay-Z - crusader of animal rights and environmental preservation. This is the same dude who's latest album features lyrics like, "After that government cheese, we eating steak" and "Parades down Flatbush, confetti on my fur" (by the way these lyrics are from the same song).

Jay-Z pictured wearing a very practical and sensible fur hat
I don't know when veganism became the latest trend for celebrities, but it needs to end. Now, let me be clear - I don't have a problem with vegans/vegetarians. It's your body - you have the right to put into it what you want. I have a problem with two things: 1) celebrities taking up causes for their own public relations purposes 2) people being vegan/vegetarian for "health reasons"

Celebrities have often taken up causes for the sole purpose of getting public support. I don't understand what it is with celebrities and their causes. Sure, sometimes it's genuine. But when you have millions of dollars, you have to give back in some way. Or else you just look like an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, people who claim to be vegan or vegetarian and are doing it for "health" reasons are selfish idiots, losers, and cowards.

I appreciate vegans and vegetarians because I believe many of them are truly concerned about the horrors of factory farming and the environmental degradation it causes. So when I hear someone is cutting meat and dairy out of their diet for "health" reasons, I know they're just trying to make themselves look good. Most of the healthiest ranked diets contain servings of fish and lean meat like chicken, anyway. So really how healthy are these people trying to be?

Who cares? They're selfish idiots who want to add the vegan/vegetarian label to themselves so they can sound hip and cool like these dipshit celebrities.

Thousands of Jay-Z fans will be scrambling to grocery stores in the coming weeks, buying kale, tofu, soy beans, etc. They'll spend hours researching and preparing recipes that they never would have tried if Jay-Z didn't announce his breakthrough veganism. Sure, maybe it'll be good that people will be consuming less.

But do you know what Jay-Z is going to be doing? Sitting on his ass while his private chefs create vegan creations worth thousands of dollars per plate.

Ditch this bullshit. If you're going vegan, do it for the right reasons. Not for your "health" or because some celebrity is doing it. Do it because you give a shit, and if you don't, don't bother.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

5 Meaningless Things People Need To Stop Saying About Themselves

One of my English teacher's in high school once said something I'll never forget, "Words have meaning."

A minimal statement with a ton of punch. Nowadays people will exhaust all their thoughts just so to describe themselves. Some people find describing themselves difficult, other times people just suck.

Here are some things I hear frequently that are particularly irritating.

I'm a coffee addict!

My biggest problem with this statement is that it's already assumed. If you're a person - you drink coffee. Statistically, you probably drink it every day. I'm always surprised when I find out someone over 18 doesn't drink coffee.

We all understand the benefits of caffeine from coffee. The video below by the profound CPG Grey helps illustrate why coffee fucking rules.

Coffee. Coffee, Coffee, Coffee. It's delicious, gives you an instantaneous boost, and is widely available, accessible, and affordable. Because it's so important and ingrained in our society, drinking coffee is as much of a personality trait as wearing clothes and breathing oxygen.

The thing I hate is that when people say "I'm a coffee addict!" it's supposed to sound cute and quirky. It's not quirky. It can only be a quirk if it's weird and an unusual, and as I stated before, everyone drinks coffee.

Also don't say you're an "addict", okay? I know you think it's funny, but I guarantee there's some junkie out there loading up the syringe who wishes they had a coffee "addiction."


I listen to everything!
(inspired by Maddox in this awesome article all the way back in 2000, and also referenced frequently by writers/comedians all over the internet)
Such an excellent stock photo.
This one usually appears as "I listen to everything besides (country, hip-hop, Indigenous Australian music, Seal, etc.)" However it appears, in any of it's form, it's always a terribly poor excuse as a way to describe what kind of music you listen to.

Oh, you listen to everything? That's cool, I'm sure you won't have any problem with this Scandinavian black metal band. Their music is focused on Satan and it sounds like people dying, but I'm sure you'll like it because you listen to everything.

Nobody listens to everything. There's usually only two scenarios when people say this:

1) They actual think they listen to "everything" because they consider "everything" to be all they've ever heard which usually only consists of MTV bullshit and other top 40 crap. Sometimes a couple of indie bands will be thrown in this mix for good measure, but don't count on it. These people suck.

2) They say they listen to "everything" but only because they fear that people will judge them by their taste in music (really, who cares?) so they use this as a convenient cop-out instead of just discussing what they've been listening to lately.

So in essence there are two scenarios: 1) You have bad taste 2) You're too much of a coward to admit what you really like.

Grow some balls people. Just admit what you like. It's all garbage anyway.


I'm such a nerd!
(also inspired by Maddox and this spot-on Portlandia sketch)
Haha - No, you're not!

The audacity that some people have when they refer to themselves as a "nerd."
As the video posted above states: real nerds are ashamed to be called nerds.

It's one thing to be into nerdy stuff and say "Oh, I'm such a Simpsons nerd." But to straight up call yourself a nerd does such an injustice to real nerds every where.

Most people who call themselves nerds are not and were never socially ostracized. Similar to being a "coffee addict" it's just another buzz phrase that shitty people with no personalities use to describe themselves.

Oh yeah it's so nerdy and so socially unacceptable that you watched an entire series on Netflix. You really must be such a nerd. I bet you face discrimination and social rejection at school and work. Oh yeah that's right you totally don't because you're a hot girl!


I'm spiritual!
Someone performing yoga.. or witchcraft? Who cares.
Spiritualism actually comes from a newer religious movement in the 1800's - but I'm not talking about that.

Lots of young people nowadays will say that they're "spiritual" rather than "religious." It's a tired cliche and bad for so many reasons.

Really where this comes from is the undeniable fact that more and more young people are not religious.

The problem is, once again, fear. Many young people are too afraid to admit to their religious family members that they're not religious. It's another convenient cop-out that people use to get out of saying what they really mean. So instead of just saying "Yeah, I'm not religious." they'll say something more along the lines of "Yeah.. ya know.. I'm like more spiritual."

What they're really saying should be: "I'm afraid of you, my family, because your support means everything to me. Also I challenge myself intellectually and somewhat hope there's a heaven so I can go there when I die and I also hope there's a hell for all the people I hate to go to."

That'd have a whole lot more substance than "I'm spiritual, hehe :)" Speaking of people doing things just for their family...


I can't live without my friends and family!
These people disgust me.
I hate this one so much because it literally says NOTHING about you as a person when you say "I love my friends & family."

You love your friends and family? That's strange. I thought you must have despised them and wanted to see them tortured and imprisoned. In fact most people I talk to actually hate their friends and family with a passion.
...

Of course you love your friends and family. And obviously I know there's tons of people with serious family issues who don't love their biological family, but in those cases those people usually consider their caregivers or good friends their real family anyway.

This is just another convenient way to say something with no real substance that you think describes you when in essence it just makes you like everybody else.

Also, why can't people disassociate themselves from their family and friends, even for a second? I have a great, supportive family and my friends are amazing and have always had my back. But at the end of the day, I'm my own person. I have autonomy over the decisions I make and how I live my life. My family and friends are beyond important; they mean the world to me. However, they aren't me. I'm my own person, and I like it that way. People need to stop using their family and friends as crutches for their own shallow, vapid lives.

Hi, I'm like totally addicted to coffee, I listen to everything as far as music (except country lol :) ), I'm such a nerd, I'm like really into spiritual stuff, and I just cannot live without my friends and family hehe 

Congratulations! You're generic.



Saturday, November 16, 2013

Things From Classic Movies That I Really Wanted To Do, But Thankfully Never Did

For many people the ability to relate to a film is a measurement of how great that film really is. There are tons of movies I've related to in the past, and it made the cinematic experience much better. There's been movies that I've watched and thought, "Wow that's cool. I should try that!" - this thought is not always good. Here are some movies that I've thought about recreating in real life. Thankfully I haven't. You'll see why now.

Fight Club

What I wanted to do: Start a fight club!

Fight Club, based on the book of the same name, is a story about a disillusioned man who finds solace in making soap and being mentally ill. The film stars Edward Norton and Brad Pitt. There's a handful of scenes where they just utterly beat the living shit out of each other. Probably the best thing about this movie is Jared Leto getting his ass kicked into oblivion. Too bad that can't happen in every movie Jared Leto is in. Shitty Jared Leto.

Who wouldn't want to kick this guys ass?
I wanted to start a fight club as a teenager to get out my aggression.  I had friends, but often times felt isolated and alienated as we all feel sometimes in our uber-capitalist chauvinist society. By starting a fight club I could form bonds with people who wanted to get this aggression out as well.

The 'fight clubs' in the film are supposed to be a metaphor for the emptiness of late-20th century society. Brad Pitt's character states, "We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives." Without a great war or a great depression - you need to just beat the shit out of each other! Cause that's how this works, right?

Well too bad only two years after Fight Club was released, 9/11 happened. So we did have a great war. Nine years later in 2008 we also saw the financial crisis and recession, so yeah... we sort of have a great depression now also.

So after a while, I realized: I didn't need to start a fight club to get out my  non-conformist aggression. More importantly I realized starting a fight club would be a very bad idea. I'd get hurt, and that would suck.

Goodfellas


What I wanted to do: Join the Mafia!

I've seen many movies and TV shows that romanticize organized crime, but none of them excited me as much as Goodfellas. Based on the true story of mafia associate, Henry Hill, Goodfellas portrays the life of a gangster as someone who can always get what they want. Which is of course, the whole point of everything.

I thought this was pretty badass. All you need to do is be a criminal, survive, and then if you REALLY need to rat out your friends, you could always join the witness protection program.

Then, I broke down all those things I stated above.
1) Being a Criminal - not a good idea! You could go to jail, you have to do immoral acts, you may have to kill. In other words - not exactly great.
2) Survive - as the movie shows, if you're in the mafia - people are always trying to kill you. I'd end up pretty fucking paranoid.
3) Witness Protection Program - sounds good. Until you find out you have to go to Montana or Wyoming or some shit like that. That's way worse than going to prison.

When it comes down to it, I think I really just wanted to celebrate my Italian American heritage. The fact that, like me, Henry Hill is part-Irish part-Italian also made me feel like I could be just like him. All I needed was some gangster friends and pounds and pounds of cocaine. But since I never aspired to have gangster friends, or sell cocaine, I kind of lost interest in these ideas all together. Oh well.

"Look guys, cocaine and guns. This 'mafia' stuff sure is fun and easy!"

Say Anything...

What I wanted to do: Win the affection of a girl by playing a boombox outside her window...? Yeah!

OK so this one is a little more specific than the other too, and something I actually fantasized about seriously. While being a member of the mafia or starting a fight club seemed far fetched, this idea really stuck out to me.

If you don't know the film Say Anything... it stars a young John Cusack as a recent high school gradute named Lloyd who is madly and deeply in love with the valedictorian, Diane Court. Lloyd isn't a prep - and his future is uncertain. Diane is going to college in England and he may never see her again, so he needs to spend time with her now. Or something like that. In any case, all you need to know is that by today's standards: Lloyd would be in prison for stalking.
He'd probably also receive a hefty fine from the fashion police for wearing those pants with that jacket.
So at a certain point in the film, when his love life seems uncertain, Lloyd shows up outside Diane's house - while she's in bed - and blasts Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" for the whole neighborhood to hear. This is the iconic scene that most people remember about this movie (it's also important to note that this isn't even what wins her affection. He basically just looks like a stalker.)

I thought this was so cool. I really thought this was the way to go, "YEAH, any girl I like, I'll just play a boombox outside their house. And play a love song. That'll work. It worked for John Cusack, dammit, it'll work for me."

I am so glad I never did this. I actually don't know anybody who ever did anything like this.

They need to make a movie "Say Anything 2013" and immediately after Lloyd serenades Diane via boombox the FBI pulls up in SWAT trucks. They throw Lloyd blindfolded into some van that transports him to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

As he's being interrogated by federal agents he says things like, "I don't even know why I'm supposed to be here! I'm not a terrorist!"

Then one of the agents is like, "Oh yeah, if you're not a terrorist, than why are you wearing a trenchcoat?"

Lloyd says, "What?" and then another agent throws hot coffee in his face and he starts crying. Oh man, that'd be a great movie.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Always Getting What You Want: Comparing Nightmares & Ideals

Life is about one thing: always getting what you want. Even meek and peaceful folks have dreams of attaining their desires. I'm not necessarily referring to material possessions or goals, but when placed in a situation a human being will almost always desire the most convenient and pleasurable outcome. The forces of nature typically work against humans though. There's catastrophic natural disasters that are beyond our control. By catastrophic natural disaster I mean like a volcanic eruption or when you go into the one stall in the bathroom without toilet paper. Those things are terrible. Here are some situations where I will analyze what could go wrong or what could go well.

Restaurants

Nightmare Scenario: You go to a restaurant - alone. You must wait an eternity to be seated (an eternity in restaurant wait times is 38 minutes). You are seated next to these cantankerous heifers with loud children who are making indecipherable gibberish noises. You sit, alone, trying to decipher the children's gibberish only to realize they're talking about you! Yes, you. They hate you. They hate that they're sitting next to you and they're bent on making your life a living hell.

You want to move but you figure you'll get served soon enough. A server comes to your table, notices your glass isn't filled, but doesn't do anything to get you water or anything. The server quickly tells you that they're out of everything you wish to order. The moment you decide to order something - another server trips and spills scolding hot vegetarian chili... on your genitals.

The vegetarian chili also contains fiery hot peppers so not only are your genitals scorched, they're stinging with intensity. You begin screaming and crying.

The children and the loud heifer parents see you writhing in pain and immediately begin laughing at you. Then, everyone at the restaurant starts laughing at you. Pointing and laughing - making you feel small. The restaurant goers then start taking pictures on their phones of you. You become an internet meme. "Burnt Chili Genitals Guy" - You're forced to live the rest of your life hiding with Steve Bartman. You disgrace your family's name, they disown you. You also never got to eat that meal you were hungry for.

Ideal Scenario: You get seated immediately next to a table of gorgeous women whom undoubtedly will be leaving the restaurant with you. The server approaches you and apologizes profusely for not serving you sooner. As soon as you tell the server that it's all right the owner of the restaurant comes out and offers you a smorgasbord of everything they have to offer.  A full-feast of everything the world has to offer comes to your table and you are King. The gorgeous women push their table next to you and laugh at everything you say as they all agree not to eat any of your food as you must be hungrier, and deserve it more.

The owner of the restaurant assures you before you leave that you were the best costumer they've ever had. They agree to let you eat their for free - any time you want. You decline mostly because the food was sub-par and the amount of attractive women wasn't enough.

As you walk out the door, a family of cantankerous heifers and loud children on their iPhones are hit by a bus across the street. It's a great day. The women laugh and love you. You go home on a chariot made of gold. The world is yours.

Airports

Nightmare Scenario: You go and stand in line for an hour. Then - you get to stand in another line - for another hour. Following a set of six lines all leading up to what you think is an entry gate - you are sodomized by a TSA agent.

After walking away feeling violated, you go to the waiting area. You find out your plane is delayed, so you go to grab a magazine or a book. The only books available are home and gardening books. The only magazine available is Oprah's magazine. You decide to get a Cinnabon, but they got rid of that too and the only thing left to eat is raw carrots. They don't let you eat the carrots though you just get to chew and gnaw on them until you're finished. It's absolutely disgusting.

You're chewing on a disgusting raw carrot as a TSA agent watches you furiously to make sure you don't actually eat it. You then notice on the flight announcements that your flight isn't leaving for 22 months and that there's a layover in Azerbaijan even though you're only going to Florida.

You get stuck next to the fat guy to your left - and the fatter guy to your right. Your sandwiched between two hibernating bears.

The airline loses all your luggage and personal materials. You now have no identity and are a missing person in Azerbaijan. So you decide to just live there anonymously because it's not as bad as being at the airport.

Ideal Scenario: You get to cut everyone in line as the airline offers you some sort of premium deal that they only give to wealthy and famous people.

Before boarding your business class seat - you get to slap a TSA agent in the face. It's great.

You're seated next to Snoop Dogg and Kate Upton. You get to party with them. Kate Upton falls madly and deeply in love with you after getting to know you for 20 minutes. She weeps as you part ways at your destination.

And there you are, your very own paradise: Vancouver, British Colombia. A bastion of liberty and universal health care. The airline charges you nothing. You can fly with them whenever you want for free. Kate Upton proposes to you via SnapChat. You marry her and have children with her. They all have big boobs, including the boys.


Parties

Nightmare Scenario: You arrive at the party with a few friends. You start cracking open some beers, and you're ready to have a good time.

The party's quite crowded, so you shuffle around to find a good spot to hang out. As you shuffle through into a smaller room you notice out the corner of your eye the girl you're infatuated with.

She's there - her bright blue eyes filling you up inside.

You go to approach her.

The closer you get, the more your stomach fills up with butterflies.

As you go to wave out, "Hello!" -- she starts making out with her boyfriend.

...

As you turn around in complete defeat - the girl you shamefully hooked up with last weekend when you were black out drunk is right in front of you.

As you avoid that girl from last week the entire night you can't help but think what went wrong and you drown your sorrows in liquor till you black out and hook up with that girl again like a fucking idiot.

(This didn't really happen to me. Okay it did, but fuck you that was college. Goddamnit that sucked.)

Ideal Scenario: Base a party around the greatest Christmas film of all time, "Jingle All the Way" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Make sure that the film is playing in multiple rooms, on multiple screens, and is playing perpetually throughout the night. Have folks participate in a drinking game revolving the movie.

It might be good to do this around Christmas time, but really you could have this party any time of year.

There may be some people who aren't that into the movie, and just want to hang out.

Those people promptly get removed from the party - along with their associates. Nobody comes to this party without celebrating "Jingle All the Way."

I tried having a party like this last year. Some people wanted to just "drink" and "socialize."

What the hell is that? Who the hell wants to "socialize"? WE'RE HAVING A HOLIDAY VIEWING PARTY AND YOU'RE RUINING IT BY TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE.

That's another thing - people who want to "make friends" as adults. If you're not satisfied with your friends by the time you've graduated college it's a sure sign that you need to join a religious cult. Those people are awesome, and they'll be your friends.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, "Jingle All the Way" - great movie. Go see it if you haven't.




Friday, November 8, 2013

Things That I Have Completely Changed My Mind About Since High School

For whatever reason I was steadfast in my beliefs and opinions in high school. As a teenager there were some key beliefs I had that I thought would always ring true. Now that I am 24, I've realized I was kind of an idiot about a lot of things. Or as my dad might say, "You're a little shit." (Just kidding, he never said that. But he probably thought it. And probably still thinks it sometimes too.)

You live and you learn. It's important to realize what changed though. I've changed my mind about some fundamental things that some adults still share and even value more than they did as adolescents. This can be problematic as I changed my beliefs on these issues for very good reasons, and I am going to explain them now.

Alcohol
"Let's make bad decisions!" - something I ACTUALLY heard people say, a lot

As a teenager...
"I can't wait till I turn 21 so I can go to bars, liquor stores, and drink any time I want!"

As an adult...
I drink much less than I did before I was 21.

I am not condemning alcohol consumption by any means as I still drink and enjoy drinking. I still go to bars regularly with my friends and I find alcohol can make social situations more fun. I drink much less for four reasons: 1) I lost a good friend to drinking and driving 2) I've seen what alcoholism/addiction can do to people and it is horrible 3) I could be a nasty dickhead if I drank too much 4) I don't like vomiting.

Losing a friend to drinking and driving made drinking so much less interesting to me, because I was actually affected first hand by someone's dreadful judgement. Not that I'd get behind the wheel of a car while intoxicated, but I almost always prefer being the person to stop someone else from doing it. In order for that to happen - I can't be too inebriated, or else I won't give as much of a shit. I've stopped a few people from drinking and driving since and I'm glad I did because I stopped people from making horrendous decisions.

Now that I'm out of college I've seen full fledged daily alcoholics in professional and personal settings. It's just so goddamn sad seeing people need alcohol to fulfill their lives. As I said before - I like drinking. But I never depended on it for happiness.

Getting to my next point - I can say there were several occasions where I filled up my cup too much and was a total jerk to people who didn't deserve it.

Alcohol in moderation is fine but sometimes when I over did it I let my inhibitions out and let out anger for really no good reason. I learned from those experiences though, and I'm glad I did. Aside from being a dickhead, I also really do not like vomiting - which I did a lot of when I drank too much.

Once you learn your limits you realize you don't need alcohol to party or to have fun - but it does well in moderation, which I'm fine with and you should be too. And if you're not okay with drinking in moderation and you need to get bezerkered hammered all the time - you have a problem! and should probably seek help immediately.

Politics

As a teenager...
"Libertarianism is what it's all about, man! Individual liberty! Freedom! YEAH!"

As an adult...
I am a supporter of a highly progressive tax on the rich and a staunch advocate for single-payer universal health care.

For those unfamiliar with the label "Libertarian" it's essentially the belief that individual liberty and freedom is the most important facet of a political system and that as an individual you should be allowed to do whatever you want - as long as it doesn't directly negatively affect anyone else.

This is all fine and dandy until you have a cursory knowledge of macroeconomics and realize that the world cannot stand on this belief as it would leave billions of people behind.

On an economic end Libertarians are supporters of unrestricted laissez-faire capitalism, which is something I could just not morally support. In that facet many Libertarians are firmly against public health care and view health care as a commodity rather than a public service - which disgusts me.

When I went to London to study abroad I got to see how universal health care works in person and I realized all the horror stories about long waiting periods and rationed health care were absolute bullshit. This is backed up by the fact that the United States -the only developed nation in the world without universal health care - is behind 36 other countries in life expectancy.

As an 18-year-old I spent three nights in the ICU for a near fatal acute heart condition. Had my family not had health insurance there were two options: 1) bankruptcy 2) death.

So as I touted the flag of Libertarianism when I was younger, I find it such an unsettling and selfish political philosophy that I distance myself from it completely. Lots of young dudes like to talk to me about the importance of the individual, but we can't look at people as just singular units. There's 7 fucking billion people on the planet - and whether your selfish ass likes it or not - we need to take care of every single one of them.

Relationships

As a teenager...
"I need to find 'the one'... ya know my SOUL MATE"

As an adult...
Ugh... just... no.

I really don't know where this belief came from but it probably had something to do with the fact that it was part of the central plot of Saving Silverman.
Not bad for a PG-13 comedy... honestly.
I saw a lot of my friends in high school in happy relationships and thought, "Why can't I have that? I want a person to be with me the rest of my life who will never leave me. I'm a big baby wahhhh."

It's not that I have a nihilistic view of love, like Zooey Deschanel's character in 500 Days of Summer, I just believe that the idea of having a "soul mate" when - like I said - there's 7 fucking billion people on the planet, is just a tad bit unreasonable.
Such a cruel, heartless bitch.
The truth is I very much believe in love, but in this day in age, people come and go. The fact that divorce rates have skyrocketed within the last century certainly hasn't helped, but people generally do not stay with the same person their entire lives anymore.

The biggest issue about this is that I wanted to find "the one" when I was like, 16. What the hell was wrong with me? Did I not realize that I would graduate high school probably without that person? Did I not think that I'd go to college, get a job, and move on with my life?

In any case I've gone through my young life meeting very attractive and often times wonderful young ladies. I used to think that because a girl liked the same bands as me that we were meant to be together (again, what the hell is wrong with me?).

What I've found is that love is awesome and a great opportunity to share yourself with someone who may very well care about you deeply. But I've determined that if you spend your life either only with one person, or sadly, chasing after one person - you will end up missing out on a lot.




Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The 5 Stages of Grief as Long Island Emo Bands



Probably the most important thing about growing up in Long Island during the early 2000’s is that I had the pleasure of growing up when local emo bands were enormously popular. 
Pictured: Long Island        Not Pictured: Sad White Dudes


As a middle schooler I avoided these bands like the plague because I didn’t want people to think I wasn’t metal (I was totally metal, I listened to Slipknot).


YEAH! I was cool!... Right?

But as high school approached - emotions, hormones, and the mall happened. The music from this Long Island scene became a big part of me. It may seem lame, and at this point certainly out of style, but these bands helped me get through some tough times. In fact they still do to this day.



Human beings are not well equipped to handle loss. Even if it’s just the breakup of a relationship, letting go is always difficult.  And damn, these bands were fucking great at writing about breakups. They were so good that I have their entire catalogs ripped and ready to go for whenever I have to deal with being “emo.”



But I wanted to be able to share this constructively. That is why I’ve compared these Long Island emo bands from the early 2000’s to the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. 



1)      Denial – Taking Back Sunday
Don’t believe me when I tell you, it’s just what anyone would do” – There’s No ‘I’ In Team

Taking Back Sunday embodies denial in many ways. Hell, even their name denies the existence of Monday as part of the week. Taking Back Sunday’s first album “Tell All Your Friends” may as well be the gospel of growing up in Long Island. It deals with teenage breakups that while on the surface seem superficial, really hurt those involve. After all you’re 14-years-old the only thing you’ve ever known in your life is that you suck at sports and girls/boys don’t like you. You have nothing to live for but to whine and complain about how things just CANNOT be this bad. But they are, and they get worse.


2)      Anger – Glassjaw
What causes my laughter at another’s disaster? It’s the bastard in me” – Lovebites and Razorlines

Glassjaw’s debut album “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence” may be the most vitriolic and excessive records of all time. Glassjaw’s not a band you listen to when you’re upset – they’re a band you listen to when you’re FUCKING PISSED OFF. The only type of pissed off that could be caused by a significant other betraying you. If you want to rip your ex’s head off and torch it, this is the right band for you. Glassjaw still tours today to sold out crowds mostly because there will always be people pissed off at their ex’s.


3)      Bargaining – Brand New
It’s time for you to choose, the bullet or the chapstick” – The Shower Scene

Brand New best represents bargaining because they had the most dynamic sound out of all these groups. With influences that ranged from hardcore to indie, they went from distorted pop punk riffs to borderline goth rock.  No matter what their style, we can all agree though that their best work deals with heart ache and despair. Their music makes you ask, “What did I do wrong? What else could I have done for you? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME MISERABLE?” Pretty standard among these groups, but Brand New best represents the middle-ground of grief as they do have plenty of hopeful songs as well.

4)      Depression – From Autumn to Ashes
You’re nothing to me” – Reflections 

From Autumn to Ashes might have well have been a straight up metalcore group if it were not for their heart wrenching lyrical content. Their magnum opus, “Short Stories With Tragic Endies” is 9 minutes of shock and awe; it’s almost difficult to get through the song without feeling like your own life is over – but then you realize the song is just about the end of a relationship, and not about the end of life. Although it seems that way at the time, you will recover. Which brings me to my next point.



5)      Acceptance – Nightmare of You

A soaring dove – I’m quite sure this is love” – Ode to Serotonin

 

Although part of the Long Island scene, Nightmare of You had their own niche. They wrote songs about longing for love and dealing with loss, but there is more positivity to take from them then the rest of these groups. This is the group you listen to when you’re ready to move on. But in order to get to acceptance you to need to accept that things have sucked. Even though things have sucked, what have you learned? It’s okay to deny the pain at first. It’s okay to feel angry at certain aspects that went wrong. It’s okay to wonder what could have been. It’s even okay to feel miserable for a while. But love will find a way. And the best way to realize that is to curl up in your room like a teenager with your headphones on and get to your computer and write like a madman and let that inspiration flow through your fingertips. You’re not going to give up because someone left you. Love comes and goes, and people flow through your life non-stop. If you stay miserable, you’re gonna miss out on the good parts.

                                                                                                                                                            

Thanks to these groups, and others like them, I’ve been able to handle shitty romantic situations since my pre-teen years. I’ve had countless girls rip my heart out and step on it – often times stepping on it repeatedly for years (you know who you are… jerks). But what I learned from friends, family, and bands like these is that I was never the only person going through that pain. Empathy is probably the most important thing in humanity. And being able to relate to others is the best way to move forward.